I’m Baaaaaaaaaak

I’ve returned from my trip to Maine.  It was wonderful except getting in!  Somehow I took a look North of Boston and got off the throughway and got completely lost.  I was on another throughway (I think that is all Massatutti has).  I went into a little store and asked how to get to Maine because the map book I had was only of Maine.  The Gentleman at the counter said that if I would give him $40.00 he would tell me.  Well, basically, I told him nicely (not so nicely? what he could do with his own $40.00. and continued on my way.

New Hampshire has no sales tax so there are huge liquor stores along the throughways.  I would stop and call some one at one, get directions, and end up at the one on the other side of the throughway (after paying my toll of course).  I would ask the toll booth person who would point on and end up back at the first store.  I would do that again.  After four times I bought a small bottle of Jim Beam to celebrate if I ever got of that state.  Finally, Paul was able to give me directions on how to get back on 95.

As for tolls!  There were three in Maine.  One was for $3.00 and the other two were $2.50, $1.00 each time I entered New Hampster, a larger one for the Massatuttie pike and an even larger one for NY.

As I went over the bridge to Maine, I got to the first rest stop and hugged the nearest pine tree.  After 7-8 hours of driving, I was a real tree hugger.  I went into the octagonal (naturally) building and did my thing, came out and couldn’t find Sam and the car.  I walked all the way around the building and still couldn’t find it.  After hyperventilating again, I realized that there was a parking lot over a berm with pine trees on it.  Whew.  By then Sam had hyperventilated, too!

On to 90.  It felt like the hills and trees and rocks were hugging me.  Things have been busy since we left Maine.  In Massatuttie it looked like they were doing fracking all along the pike.  In Maine, the towns are growing; especially Auburn, Lewiston and Augusta and they had a few more extensions on 95 so where we used to get off looked totally different and where I was to get off was also totally different.  However, off we go and BINGO, there was my hotel!  However, the problem was to find the entrance.  Lots of back doors and a restaurant (that had dynamite chicken and spinach soup – in fact I gave a tablespoon to Sam and for the rest of the trip he would look at me when I put down his food as if saying “not on your life”).  Finally found the entrance, my unit, unloaded the car while Sam cried in the bathroom, sat down and called who I needed to call and had a shot of Jim Beam in water.  I even had a gas fireplace for ambiance.  I was settled at about 9:00 p.m.?  Actually I can’t remember.

Because of my mental illness (just kidding relatives) I can’t abide thinking of  bed bugs but didn’t have to worry because I grabbed the blankie and pillow that I had carried and flopped over sideways and crashed after eating the best soup in the world.  Sam guarded me.  He could have told me there was a monster approaching and I would never have heard him.  10 hours on the road is way too much!  However, I did remember the wakeup call and at 7:00 a.m. got up, got ready to see a house at 10:00 a.m, and got very explicit instructions from my girlfriend on how to get there.  After getting lost three time because I was on the wrong side of the river and with 0 minutes to spare I finally found her.  My friend!  A hug!  I was in heaven!

Quick rush to the house because we were late.  A little ramshackle.  Teeny weeny but a yard with lots of potential.  Actually the bedroom was as big as my spare with a closet, the living room will fit my desk and computer with a closet and the kitchen was large but really needs an island because it only had two drawers.  Of course, I can’t cook anyway…  The Property Manager THOUGHT the washer and dryer worked.  Nice even having them at that price.  I was worried about the “partially” finished cellar but I think they meant that because it was so short.  I was the only one that could walk around without ducking and hitting the beams.  And it had a “Wizard of Oz” door to the outside if there was a hurricane.  It needs some work and I asked if I could have laminate instead of carpeting (as long as they were replacing it anyway).  I have lots of hardware to replace the kitchen knobs and I didn’t want to go anywhere else so I said I wanted it.

Now we get to the tricky part.  I said only one person and two dogs were going to live there but of course had to put my husband’s income down.  My Social security would cover it but I might want to eat also.  The trouble:  They do a background check.  Front and center is my recent incarceration in the psyche ward.  So we will see how much that ruined my life.  I told them I had no family but was actually able to come up with one reference.  Paul, of course has family but is anti-social so when I brought the application home, had a bit of a hard time to think of a reference.  I told them I wanted it the first of November.  Oh, it also has a garage almost on the next block!

My friend and I went to eat at a diner that she used to work at and I met two more friends and while sitting there listening to the TV  blaring, I noticed that they were talking about a storm coming from home to there.  So, kissed her goodbye, went back to the hotel, took a long nap, packed and was out of there by 8:00 p.m.  It rained across the Berkshires but the traffic was goo except for the truckers (who were all good except for the one who tried to kill me) and Sam and I were home at 6:00 this morning and I’m wondering where the storm is.

Back to bed and woken up with a call from the Wayne Behavior Health asking why I missed my appointment yesterday.  I’m ready to call an attorney.  I cannot live this way.  I feel so violated.  Paul filled out his application for the house and I’m about ready to take another nap.  I’ve gone through my email and just don’t feel like answering any of the Facebook messages because here we go with no feelings again.  They have to approve me for the house!  What if they don’t?  What if I am stuck in this situation for the rest of my life all because of someone else?  My whole life has been controlled by someone and even though it is scary being by myself I just want to try it once, please.

I didn’t take the Hoosier from you.  You are angry because Dad gave it to me because he had not place to put it.  Even if I asked for a camp – so what?  all my three sisters were given one.  You say I borrowed 20K and didn’t pay it back…you gave that to me because it would save you taxes and said my sisters would get the same.  I will not say anything about the prudential accounts that Dad set up for us.  I have said I don’t want your money. I want your love.

I get notes from my family that is is SO hurt about putting this stuff on my blog and that is why they are angry at me.  Wrong, because they were so angry at me all my life way before I put this stuff on the blog.  People don’t talk to me  that I used to play with and helped them when needed and thought of them as brothers.  It is true that there may be some that don’t want me to put things on here but come one guys – you did it!  You hurt someone.  It is time to pay the piper.

My main personality trait is that I do not, nor can I, abide liars and procrastinators and they stand there and call me one when all I need is an apology.  I have been a scapegoat all my life.  I’m done.  The end.  Just because they give a different face to outsiders does not mean that was the face given to the family.  So fess up.  I’m not sure if they just can’t face it themselves or if they don’t want others to know.  Others don’t have to know.  Just apologize to me.  You won.  I’m going again.  I cannot take anymore private notes telling me how I’m hurting everyone and calling me a liar.  I cannot take any more people pretending to be me and calling the Wayne Health Substance Abuse.  I’m leaving.  I’m gone.

So tell me about hurt.

Chow

Luckily for me, I only had to remove one post from my blog from my “younger sister” as soon as I got to the computer this morning.  Then I started my normal morning routine only with thinking which of the things I had in my hands that I was going to take to Maine.  I usually do this prior to a trip so that I remember things to take.

This will hopefully be a short trip to find an apartment.  Then will come part 2 where I have to figure out which things and how to get them up there.  I somehow can’t imagine driving a U-Haul to Maine.  I mean, I have trouble backing up a car!  If I found someone to drive the truck and I drove the car, how would that someone get home?  Since friends and family are few and far between here, I certainly won’t find two people to help me.  I won’t ask any friends in Maine to drive back in my car, help me pack up and then make the trip back to Maine.  I surely am glad this move isn’t to Alaska.

One step at a time.  The fun part, I hope, is going online to look at houses and apartments  Please let some of them take dogs.

I’ve been sleeping well, haven’t cried once today and I think I’m pulling myself together despite everything being all topsy turvy.  In fact, I may even be hungry!  Chow!

WE’RE HOME AND IT COULDN’T BE WORSE

The dog show is over and Karla and I are back from Colorado almost safe and sound.  My brain seems to be functioning again after two weeks and Karla now thinks she is Queen of the pack (but she still takes a wide berth around Sam who is REALLY cranky lately). 

We met new friends and old friends and only one really stupid person (which I brought to her attention).  I was sure I wouldn’t recognize anyone after so many years but guess what?  They didn’t recognize me!!!  Am I that much older looking?  Everything went as per usual.  Since my feet hurt, we took the easy way and asked for a wheelchair.  Why doesn’t everyone do that I wonder?  For a tip they zip you right to your gate thank goodness.  It has been so long since I have flown from a large airport I just couldn’t believe that you had to take a train to a plane! 

I had sedatives for Karla thank goodness!  I put her into her Airpod which slides over the handle of the suitcase.  The wheelchair pusher parked us at the gate.  I let go of the handle.  Karla wiggled.  The case and Karla fell over.  I grabbed for her.  The wheelchair fell over.  The entire terminal ran over to stare at the poor disabled lady on the floor who was helped up by the stewardess who stood beside me until I was on the plane.  I then gave Karla a sedative and ate my portion of the three peanuts shared by all the passengers.  At Chicago where I changed planes I noticed that Karla had her head stuck between the metal bar in her bag and the mesh and was just hanging there.  The company has yet to answer my letter.

Theresa and Chris came to get me which was very nice of them because I forgot the time change which made it at 10:30 pm and everyone had to get up early in the morning.  They were even nice enough to drive through McDonalds so I could eat.  I shared my burger with Karla and that was the end of her eating kibble…still.  (By the way, I absolutely love Chris and his son!) 

Monica was my chauffeur.  I think she wanted to put a tag on me with my name and address because I was so exhausted that I could never remember where her car was or make any decisions.  The only decision I made was that I WANT ARCHER!  He is absolutely adorable and could do one of Beamer’s tricks.  That was jumping back and forth from bed to bed.  I was in stitches.  I think though that he was as nervous as I.  Archer’s arrows go straight to Monica’s heart so I doubt she will let me have him.

Karla turned into this thing.  Here is this shy dog that I was worried about even taking into the hotel that saw a Great Dane and tried to attack it!  Good grief!!!  She was even patient when it took me about five tries to get my door open and pretended not to hear what I said when I broke my coffeepot.  The maid left a nice note:  1.  Turn on power, 2. put thingee in thing.  Leave thingee in thing because the hole you made is not to pour the coffee into the where the water goes, 3. pour water into water hole (they could label them) and press “brew”.

One of the shows Karla and the other undocked Aussie were dismissed from the ring.  I was so angry that I cried because I could see that yes, having a tail is not in the standard but I guess having feet pointing in all directions and a head on backwards is just fine.  Pamela saw that I was about to go in and kill the judge so she made me sit down and talked me into just asking the judge if they were dismissed because of their tails.  Of course the answer was “OH NO!”.  I actually smiled, shook her hand and left.  None of the tailed Aussies did as well as I expected.  Karla won her class but that was about it.  Karla felt like she had to ride in the back of the bus and drink out of a special water fountain just because her spine wasn’t amputated.

We had a wonderful party with the dogs and people running together at a beautiful house hosted by Katrina and David.  The next door neighbor came out of his door with a black lab, saw all these Aussies coming around the corner one by one non stop, turned around and went back in his door.  It really was hysterical.

Finally sad goodbyes and I go up to the desk to pay and they charge me over $100 per night!  I still have to straighten that one out.  Luck was with me again with Pamela walking up at the same time to tell them it should be just $80 something.  Of course the manager wasn’t there.  So later.

Got home smoothly due to wheelchair pushers and crashed.  In the middle of the night I wake up screaming because my back hurt so much.  I stood up and my feet didn’t hurt at all.  You figure that out.  I gulped one of  Hubby’s back pills and went to the foot doctor as scheduled and found that I had plantar fasciitis (sp).  So, he molded little ballerina shoes with COLD water and I will get the insoles in the mail.  I set up an appointment for the back.  Next day I thought I had the Camel flu but half-way through the day realized that I forgot to take my pills.

I’m not even going to mention what happened with my wonderful historian job and hubby and I decided to go up North tomorrow for the rest of the week so something else could happen bad to me (aside from the fact that we are having a difficult time selling our house and now they are putting a machine shop next to us).  This is in an agricultural zone.

Well, now that you all know that things have been normal with me I bid you adieu and warn you that you should probably stay as far away from me as you can!

Ruby

When I was a youngster and in Girl Scouts we used to sing this song “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold”. For over a year now I don’t think that there has been a day that I haven’t thought of Ruby. When Ruby and I could physically see each other we only saw each other three or four times a year. When my Hubby and I moved to Northern California she and her partner would come up for a yearly weekend and we would all go wine tasting and they would buy their yearly supply of wine. When we moved to Maine it was Christmas greetings only. She would send her card with sparkly things in it and every year I would curse at myself for being so stupid as to open it so they dumped everywhere and I would have to pick them up!
Then, when Ruby got sick the last time we started corresponding by email and I got closer and closer to her. She was one of the most courageous, cheerful people that I have ever known going through what she did. She was always optimistic. Then she stopped writing and I continued but I knew that I was going to lose her as I knew her. This was confirmed by her husband this week by email stating that she had wished to have a memorial service and get together for friends and family in February.
As I sit here having to stop typing and wiping off the alcohol tears from the top of my dog’s head, I realize that I shouldn’t drink when I’m sad and that I took this passing pretty hard for not having heard her voice for 30 odd years. But if there is Karma, Ruby is going to come back a pretty special person if she does come back.
When I received her husbands email, I already knew what had happened without even reading the subject line. However, I was thrown by the fact that I was one of the elite invited to the memorial. That would be a long, sad, expensive trip. However, I have learned at times like this that sometimes it is better to grieve with others and get it out of your system rather than holding it inside so I decided that it probably would be good for me to attend. Also, Ruby was not the only person that I loved in Southern California. I don’t have too many friends because I have moved so much but the ones that I have, I have held onto without seeing for many years and have held onto them via the written word with once in a while a telephone call. Again, I have moved so many times that almost all of my friends ARE long distance. So, I thought that perhaps there could be more good in the trip that Ruby was giving me.
The big thing is that I’m saving my money to go to Colorado with Karla for her first dog show. This trip would probably cost a good $1,000.00 for the cheapest round trip air fare, hotel for a minimum of two nights, taxi twice from and to LAX and the Hotel in downtown Los Angeles (almost), food and (of course) a good old Los Angeles margarita or two. So, I would want to make it worth it. Since my Hubby’s sister lives in Seal Beach I could maybe stay there. But, she and her Hubby had made plans eons ago to go on a trip so I wouldn’t even get to see them. They, of course, offered the house but a taxi from there would be outrageous! My girlfriend in Anaheim said she would like to get together if I came out. An old friend right by the Hotel didn’t have email and I know that he had been having health problems. In fact, I’m missing two years of Christmas cards from him so I have to get on that to see what is going on. Another close friend said that they were not going to the memorial and perhaps we could meet for brunch. The rest of the group of us I hadn’t kept in touch with. I still loved them but why contact them now?
Thinking about all this makes it even more depressing. These are friends but these are not friends that you can rely on if you are in trouble. Not one of them immediately said “oh! I haven’t seen you for years! I’ll cancel my plans and you can stay here! Please!”
So here we go again. Does this make me a sucker or am I too sensitive or am I just stupid when I hear that other friends from other places are coming here and I say “if you don’t see me I’m going to kill you!” And it really isn’t the money. I have a brother-friend that I love to have stay here. I wish he would move in. I would never ask someone that I didn’t think was close to me if I could stay. Actually, I planned to stay in the hotel but it would have been nice for me to say “nah, thanks very much but really…”
This puts a whole new perspective on the trip. Do I wish to spend $1,000.00 when I know that Ruby would want me to do what I want to do. It doesn’t make me love my friends there any less, but it does make me look at them in an entirely different perspective. What I would do for them is not necessarily what they would do for me. For instance, I don’t think they would come out here if my dog died like I drove to Maine to be with my girlfriend when hers passed unexpectedly. In fact, if my husband died I don’t think they would come out here either because why come out to see just one person? Exactly.
So what would you do?