Keep on Goin’

I’ve decided to keep on going with my blogs because I will probably never get this many readers again.  Besides, my choices are going to the dentist or just sitting around worrying about things.

Many people have asked me how to read the comments that I receive on the blogs.  Just click the word “comments” on the bottom of each blog.  However, I warn you, some are not nice.  But, if you don’t like me then you will just laugh your head off and have a good time.  However I do like comments and knowing that you are reading my work.  So please continue.

Today was Dentist day,  yesterday Very Far Away Therapist Day, Friday was Hospital Therapist day and Eye Day, Wednesday Near Therapist Day, the 1st was Neurologist Day, the 3rd was Attorney day and Veterinarian Day, and the 25th My Husband’s Therapist Day.  Good Grief, what is wrong with this picture?  Of course there are a few days in there because I’m trying to forget them.  And, whoopee, I don’t think there are any days in next week!  Couldn’t all physical and mental doctors join forces so that we don’t have so many wars that have to do with gas?

However, I am waiting for three important calls from Maine so that I can boogie on up there to look for an apartment because I am beginning to feel a little cramped here and I’m sure my “family” will be much relieved when I go.  My Far Away Therapist says I really don’t have to sneak away and can drive by myself but if you find me missing……

Again, thank you so much to my friends (imaginary or not) for their support while I was being attacked by the wolves.  I kept thinking about those National Geographic films where when there is a weak animal in the herd that that is where the wolves charge to.  Yikes!  I just found out that my Brother-in-Law is very ill and I pray that this doesn’t happen to him.  When he and I were young I was so jealous of my oldest Sister because I KNEW he was for me!  Wrong again.

Believe it or not, it is a very sunny day today and each day I’m feeling better.  I only hope that each day I can treat my friends a little better because I have been a little cranky lately but one of the therapists (which one?) said that it was probably Posttraumatic Stress.  I should go look that up since I am a baby boomer and quite a few men that I went to school with came back from Nam with that disorder and maybe I would understand them better.

There once was a lady incarcerated;

Who when she got home she changed her bed;

She felt better scrunched up;

Warm milk in her cup;

And a warm Santa Claus cap on her head.

and….

Noodles (as I explained to a friend in Los Angeles,  “Noodles”  is a word substituted for “good bye” because I don’t like “good bye” at all)

Please Pick your Friends Carefully

I have always heard that “friends are people who support you and hold you up through thick and thin and that you can tell if a person is a good friend or a bad friend by these qualifications”.  This is so true.

I have had many responses to my last two posts via email because they are mostly from my “friends”.  I have had many “unknown to me” people start following my blog (not commenting whether they are following for entertainment, humor, sympathy or, in fact, have gone through the same thing themselves).

My oldest Sister, who has problems of her own, stated “I couldn’t even finish all of your postings – too off the wall”.  I’m sorry that she felt this way.  Had it been I reading the comments I would have just not read them and not let the writer know she was “off the wall” but as we all know, we are all different in our own ways.

My therapist says I am now going through Post Traumatic Stress and that my plan for this week should just be to relax.  I really am going to try.  She also gave me a hug.  The thing I most wanted in this entire world and which made me feel 100% better.  She still likes me.  She still wants to see me.  She still wants to let me talk about this to get it out of my system so that I can get over it and get back to normal.  She will listen to me (paid or not), especially before I get to the point that I was at when I finally called her.  The last time I spoke with her was 2.5 years ago when we both agreed that I was able to accept(?) the reactions of my family to me.

Based upon the reactions of my family versus the reactions of my friends, I agree.  I should stick with my friends and keep a distance from my family.  I’m sure that many of you feel this way but have learned it way, way before you were at the age of 62.  At the moment my feelings are turning to grief; as if my three sisters and mother have passed on.

I can only follow my own path.  Not theirs, not yours.  The light in me from God is leading me.  I am not alone, God is with me and I know where I am headed.  I can only listen to directions from him as to where the path is.  If I look to the right or left and see my family or some “friends” on another path I shouldn’t be sad that they are not with me and that we are not holding each other up.  I can only go on.

This has been an incredible, frightening experience.  To have your life removed from your own control and not know when you will get it back.  To have your belongings taken away and to have to follow an institution’s schedule.  To have to act happy so you can be released.  To be locked in like/as a prisoner and to have your family completely turn away.

It will be a while.

Being in Control of One of the States of The United States

When I read through newspapers and see what horrible things that happen in the world by disturbed individuals I can understand why advocates wish to remove dangerous weapons from persons who are not trained to use them.  I can understand why people are categorized as to perhaps being dangerous.  However, I cannot understand why someone can be committed without having a trial and jury.  Especially when no harm has been done to themselves or others.  I cannot understand why by the words of others that they can be locked up for an unspecified time other than “up to 15 days and with the permission of two Doctors for more, if they deem necessary.

No one loves life, animals, compassionate people than I.  I am spiritual, intelligent,  strong and only want to be loved yet because I read the advertisement about if you are feeling out of sorts or depressed that you should call the 211 o r 800 “help” line I sunk myself into a hole..  Most people who do not really want help will not call and will go  their way and it seems that most people that do want help will call for help.

My husband and I have had numerous problems during our 42 years  of marriage, mostly involved with alcoholism and my coping with both him and my parents, who suffered from it.  We headed for the other side of the country with my daughter and were away for approximately 35 years.  About 8 years ago we moved back within 5 miles of 3 sisters and my mother so that both my husband and myself could have “family” again.  When I was away I was always jealous of my girlfriends seeing a relative or someone they had gone to school with at a store or public place and hugging and catching up with.

For the first two years things were wonderful here.  Trips with mom, bowling with two sisters, conferences with my older sister.  Then things began to change.  I’m not sure why.  Probably because I knew how it was to be dealt with as a real person and not to have someone control me or to be treated as a teenager.  Maybe they were jealous because I had gotten out of the small town attitude and could not accept the dysfunctions of the family.  I was the circle breaker and no one likes to know that someone else thinks they are doing wrong.  Perhaps because I had had many more experiences than they.

After the first two years things went drastically downhill.  Everyone thought that we had a lot of money, our house was large and although I was told to not take it personally, things were given to the other three and I was started to be ignored both physically and mentally with  Christmas alone (although my sister did ask us), no input in family decisions, and accusations of things that I certainly did not do against the family.  The distance seemed  to widen between the family, and my daughter, husband and I.  The silly thing was that this reminded me why I had run away to begin with!

However, stuck we were.  Economy led to us not being able to sell the house.  Now we have lowered it $20,000 from what we purchased it at.  We felt we needed this house and it was perfect because when we purchased it, the other houses we looked at were a mess, this was large enough to hold my antiques, I had horses and this had enough acreage for them.  It has a wonderful 1800’s barn and the house needed no work.  It is for sale now because we have no horses and we very much need to downsize and who needs to mow lawns the size of 11.5 acres.

Meanwhile, back to the alcoholism.  You may read about that episode in my last post.  I have now turned into a person who peeks out windows when sirens go by and have to answer the telephone each time it rings in case it is the Social Worker making sure I am here being safely guarded by my husband until I move to my sisters.  My therapist calls it posttraumatic stress.  And, my younger sister has decided she is not able to “care” for me since the State has declared me unsafe, my mother has decided that I am the alcoholic.  My youngest sister has not even the concern to call me except to tell me I owe money for missing bowling.  My oldest sister called to tell me she had a new dog and that I deserved all this.  My daughter, I am not talking about.

I have called my family doctor to beg him to call the state to tell them I am sane and he has said that there wasn’t much he could do but he would try.  I have visited my attorney to see if he could do anything but I guess it is a law.  All I can say is that if you just want to talk to someone DO NOT CALL 211!  Go to your mirror and have a conversation with yourself or find a friend.

This is the worst nightmare that I have ever been in, especially when my family believes what the State says over what I am saying.  Again, I have written off the family.  I’m not sure if it would be any use to go to Maine where all my friends and my favorite counselor are at.  She is my next call.