Do Spill the Beans

Up and down and up and down.

Happy and sad and happy and sad.

Trying to keep busy by deciding what to take and what not to take,

What will fit and what will not fit into my new itsy, bitsy house.

My telephone – quiet as a mouse

I’ve always hated November and I think this one is going to be a whopper.  Friends that I thought were friends actually were not but yet then I get these people popping into view every once in a while that wave and say an encouraging word to me.  Relatives that are outside of the immediate family are either totally ignoring the situation or really don’t care.  Worse yet, they are probably listening to the immediate family about how horrible I am and what horrible things that I have done.  What are those horrible things?  That I said I was not going to go along with the dysfunction?  If that is the worst thing that I do in my life then I will be happy.

I hope it pleases my family to realize that I am very very sad.  That I don’t understand why this is like a pack of wolves jumping on the one injured wolf.  That I don’t want to live by myself in Maine but that I have to and that one of the supporters that I have is my husband who I am leaving.  Why is this?  Why is he one of the people that is telling me that I have to get away from this crazy unit and the lies that they are spreading about me?  Is everyone so afraid to go against the group that they don’t even think that I would like a hug goodbye or even a phone call to say that they will notice an absence?

This world could use some correcting and not just correcting of the global climate sort.  Because the world has so many ecological problems does not mean that I am going to add to them.  I think this same thing should be with the personal problems.  I now have a hint how it must feel to be one of the people trying to get warm on the new York city street vents.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here but I do take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one that this is happening to and the fact that are thousands that have gotten through the pain of it.  Google it (ah, that wonderful Google)  Go to the help forums of Narcissism and Scapegoats.  Read some of those stories.  All similar.  Unfortunately, not much research has been done on narcissism because narcissists don’t see that they are doing anything wrong.  Nor, do they have a conscience.  So, therefore, they certainly do not go to get help.  The most similar thing that you see is the help for the prey.  It is RUN.  There is nothing you can do except make it worse, and I can vouch for that.  If you try to bring it up to either the people or those that are friends with the people that are doing the abuse, the abuse gets worse.

As for that other problem which my Mother said was in my blog and which wasn’t (it happened to be in the town historical society newsletter where I wrote an article wittily describing the buildings on my block in the 50’s and the trouble I used to get into), a pedophile remains a pedophile.  In this case there were several children there, one of which has written about this incident well before me for a college paper.  So, I either just copied the paper, or lied well after that person or told the truth after that person did.  I was obviously not the one to make it up Mother.

But cheer up, I’ll be gone soon and will be writing, I hope of bigger and better things.  What hurts is that my Mother will always believe the person who is lying about me without even asking for my version first.  I can only believe it is because she dislikes me so for “spilling the beans”.

Lesson:  It hurts but don’t be a politician.  Do “spill the beans”.  Perhaps if the politicians and people in this world would open up a bit then this world will be a bit better, will have a few less wars and will spread the wealth so there is a bit less famine and maybe, less health problems.


Waking up this morning I felt even a little better because at 3:00 a.m. I dragged myself out of bed and went into the smaller, front bedroom where I could hear any street noises.  There weren’t many because we live in the country but just in case….

As usual, I turned on my computer after coming down stairs and went to my email and lo and behold!  there were two comments to my “Better” blog.  I love to know that people read my blogs even if they don’t agree with them.  Jackie, kudos for your encouragement.

I was appalled at my youngest sisters comment which I did post.  I posted it so that all you supporters can see why I got into the state that I was in.  However, I can only wonder why I keep being surprised and why it does still matter to me what my family thinks of me.  I suppose this is something that will remain with me for the rest of my life and is something that I will have to keep working on to lower the stess.  Sort of what they called at the hospital, “My Safety Plan”.  It certainly would help though if I wasn’t being treated like a kickball by them!

As for the good news…This is the first year I haven’t worried about winter coming.  Do you think my Seasonal Affective Disorder has been pushed aside by what happened?  Please, for those of you with SAD, don’t try this at home!

And for more good news…you would not believe all the good wishes and offers of help and love that I received yesterday when I started to go back to my regular routine.  I do want to thank everyone so much!  Now all of you, and all you meanies, please send money.  I prefer non-counterfit bills, small or large.  LOL

Short for today because I’m back to my appointments (mostly psyche wouldn’t you know) but know I am thinking of all you wonderful people each time I stub my toe.  Thank you.


Oh the joys of November and pre-Christmas in central, fingerlakes, upstate New York! I have decided to describe where I am because even my friends on Face Book accuse (yes, accuse) me of being in New York City. I’ve been in New York City three times in my life:
1) Taking my dog to Westminster who, while walking (or running with the crowd) down the side walk picked up a piece of gum and had fun chewing it as we went in.
2) Taking the same dog to Westminster with my handler from Maine who, after dark decided to take a walk (and I decided like a dummy to go with him). As we turned the corner and saw the barrels with fire in them and the people standing around them I turned around as he was saying “Oh! isn’t this wonderful”. I did nag enough to get him to finally turn around and go the other way.
3) Taking that same darn dog to the Montgomery Specialty in Bucks County, PA, with my hubby in his old large Chevy pickup with cover (we couldn’t afford anything else since we were showing that dog) when somehow we got sucked under that long, long bridge and BINGO there we were in NY City. After a bit of panic we found our way out despite all the people in the one way streets that don’t look at anyone else even if they are going to be run over. We had our windshield washed at least 12 times and purchased a full bouquet individually.
Now where was I? Oh goodness, I hadn’t even started!
The joy of November… the brown mud and tan grass, the brown fir trees and leafless deciduous trees. The brown water puddles, the grey, dreary skies, the brown birds – even the geese are gone. So cheerful and enervating – just makes you want to dance with joy. After your nap. Makes you ready to do your pre-Christmas fun of rushing through Thanksgiving because the countdown has started, by eating a brown turkey with brown stuffing and gravy. Then dragging the decorations up and the tree – if you are silly, you can go purchase a tree, cut it off and watch it turn brown along with the floor under it. Or, you can purchase a live tree and add another fir tree to your already 30 fir trees in your yard in the spring. Then you open the boxes that were packed so well last year when you were sick of Christmas and just wanted them out of sight. Then sort them and throw away the precious glass ones that broke and untangle all the aluminum strings and pearl strings and lights and then have to run out and purchase new lights anyway because for some reason these don’t work. Ahhh! and then you get to put your decorations all over the house and wonder where to put that tree drawing made from a handprint and where to put all the things on the dressers where the decorations are going to go, stick the decorations on the windows to cover that brown because it still hasn’t snowed.
Now that the kids are off your back you can get our your address book and start labeling cards. I always write my return address and addressee address because I think it is so tacky to use stickers or computers, but, did they send you one last year? If they didn’t then why should you send them one? I mean, you have to mortgage the house to purchase postage now-a-days to send a cheap looking card. (Advertisement here to visit your local antique dealer and buy old Christmas cards during the year) Even if I use an old used Christmas card I either cross off the old sender’s name or for a little excitement and to keep those letters flowing to me I leave the old name and put “and Debbie and Paul”. That always wakes people up. Who the heck is Edith?
When you have permanent hand cramp (unless you have sent a copied Christmas letter telling me how much money you have and toys and good luck and new clothes and fun) instead of a little note you can start wrapping the presents!!! Luckily you have been visiting all those antique shops and picking up cheap, fun, interesting things as presents so you don’t have to brave the crowds to buy things that fall apart in one week or furniture made of particle board that warps when wet. Right? So, all you have to do is wrap them. Again, you have been visiting your local antique stores for old paper (even old newspapers) and bows and ribbons and do-dads that make your presents special even before they are opened and are just as easy to wrap but fun also. Unless… don’t use those bags do you? OH NO!!!! Well, that adds the old personal touch doesn’t it? You can recycle those forever, also, and you don’t have to spend any time at all on your friends because they probably aren’t worth it anyway!
Hoo Boy! Do you think I should stop for this post? Probably a good idea. Either way – y’all have a maaavelous Christmas and because of what it means now to everyone – may we hope it goes by fast!!!