Do Spill the Beans

Up and down and up and down.

Happy and sad and happy and sad.

Trying to keep busy by deciding what to take and what not to take,

What will fit and what will not fit into my new itsy, bitsy house.

My telephone – quiet as a mouse

I’ve always hated November and I think this one is going to be a whopper.  Friends that I thought were friends actually were not but yet then I get these people popping into view every once in a while that wave and say an encouraging word to me.  Relatives that are outside of the immediate family are either totally ignoring the situation or really don’t care.  Worse yet, they are probably listening to the immediate family about how horrible I am and what horrible things that I have done.  What are those horrible things?  That I said I was not going to go along with the dysfunction?  If that is the worst thing that I do in my life then I will be happy.

I hope it pleases my family to realize that I am very very sad.  That I don’t understand why this is like a pack of wolves jumping on the one injured wolf.  That I don’t want to live by myself in Maine but that I have to and that one of the supporters that I have is my husband who I am leaving.  Why is this?  Why is he one of the people that is telling me that I have to get away from this crazy unit and the lies that they are spreading about me?  Is everyone so afraid to go against the group that they don’t even think that I would like a hug goodbye or even a phone call to say that they will notice an absence?

This world could use some correcting and not just correcting of the global climate sort.  Because the world has so many ecological problems does not mean that I am going to add to them.  I think this same thing should be with the personal problems.  I now have a hint how it must feel to be one of the people trying to get warm on the new York city street vents.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here but I do take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one that this is happening to and the fact that are thousands that have gotten through the pain of it.  Google it (ah, that wonderful Google)  Go to the help forums of Narcissism and Scapegoats.  Read some of those stories.  All similar.  Unfortunately, not much research has been done on narcissism because narcissists don’t see that they are doing anything wrong.  Nor, do they have a conscience.  So, therefore, they certainly do not go to get help.  The most similar thing that you see is the help for the prey.  It is RUN.  There is nothing you can do except make it worse, and I can vouch for that.  If you try to bring it up to either the people or those that are friends with the people that are doing the abuse, the abuse gets worse.

As for that other problem which my Mother said was in my blog and which wasn’t (it happened to be in the town historical society newsletter where I wrote an article wittily describing the buildings on my block in the 50’s and the trouble I used to get into), a pedophile remains a pedophile.  In this case there were several children there, one of which has written about this incident well before me for a college paper.  So, I either just copied the paper, or lied well after that person or told the truth after that person did.  I was obviously not the one to make it up Mother.

But cheer up, I’ll be gone soon and will be writing, I hope of bigger and better things.  What hurts is that my Mother will always believe the person who is lying about me without even asking for my version first.  I can only believe it is because she dislikes me so for “spilling the beans”.

Lesson:  It hurts but don’t be a politician.  Do “spill the beans”.  Perhaps if the politicians and people in this world would open up a bit then this world will be a bit better, will have a few less wars and will spread the wealth so there is a bit less famine and maybe, less health problems.

Please Pick your Friends Carefully

I have always heard that “friends are people who support you and hold you up through thick and thin and that you can tell if a person is a good friend or a bad friend by these qualifications”.  This is so true.

I have had many responses to my last two posts via email because they are mostly from my “friends”.  I have had many “unknown to me” people start following my blog (not commenting whether they are following for entertainment, humor, sympathy or, in fact, have gone through the same thing themselves).

My oldest Sister, who has problems of her own, stated “I couldn’t even finish all of your postings – too off the wall”.  I’m sorry that she felt this way.  Had it been I reading the comments I would have just not read them and not let the writer know she was “off the wall” but as we all know, we are all different in our own ways.

My therapist says I am now going through Post Traumatic Stress and that my plan for this week should just be to relax.  I really am going to try.  She also gave me a hug.  The thing I most wanted in this entire world and which made me feel 100% better.  She still likes me.  She still wants to see me.  She still wants to let me talk about this to get it out of my system so that I can get over it and get back to normal.  She will listen to me (paid or not), especially before I get to the point that I was at when I finally called her.  The last time I spoke with her was 2.5 years ago when we both agreed that I was able to accept(?) the reactions of my family to me.

Based upon the reactions of my family versus the reactions of my friends, I agree.  I should stick with my friends and keep a distance from my family.  I’m sure that many of you feel this way but have learned it way, way before you were at the age of 62.  At the moment my feelings are turning to grief; as if my three sisters and mother have passed on.

I can only follow my own path.  Not theirs, not yours.  The light in me from God is leading me.  I am not alone, God is with me and I know where I am headed.  I can only listen to directions from him as to where the path is.  If I look to the right or left and see my family or some “friends” on another path I shouldn’t be sad that they are not with me and that we are not holding each other up.  I can only go on.

This has been an incredible, frightening experience.  To have your life removed from your own control and not know when you will get it back.  To have your belongings taken away and to have to follow an institution’s schedule.  To have to act happy so you can be released.  To be locked in like/as a prisoner and to have your family completely turn away.

It will be a while.