I’m Baaaaaaaaaak

I’ve returned from my trip to Maine.  It was wonderful except getting in!  Somehow I took a look North of Boston and got off the throughway and got completely lost.  I was on another throughway (I think that is all Massatutti has).  I went into a little store and asked how to get to Maine because the map book I had was only of Maine.  The Gentleman at the counter said that if I would give him $40.00 he would tell me.  Well, basically, I told him nicely (not so nicely? what he could do with his own $40.00. and continued on my way.

New Hampshire has no sales tax so there are huge liquor stores along the throughways.  I would stop and call some one at one, get directions, and end up at the one on the other side of the throughway (after paying my toll of course).  I would ask the toll booth person who would point on and end up back at the first store.  I would do that again.  After four times I bought a small bottle of Jim Beam to celebrate if I ever got of that state.  Finally, Paul was able to give me directions on how to get back on 95.

As for tolls!  There were three in Maine.  One was for $3.00 and the other two were $2.50, $1.00 each time I entered New Hampster, a larger one for the Massatuttie pike and an even larger one for NY.

As I went over the bridge to Maine, I got to the first rest stop and hugged the nearest pine tree.  After 7-8 hours of driving, I was a real tree hugger.  I went into the octagonal (naturally) building and did my thing, came out and couldn’t find Sam and the car.  I walked all the way around the building and still couldn’t find it.  After hyperventilating again, I realized that there was a parking lot over a berm with pine trees on it.  Whew.  By then Sam had hyperventilated, too!

On to 90.  It felt like the hills and trees and rocks were hugging me.  Things have been busy since we left Maine.  In Massatuttie it looked like they were doing fracking all along the pike.  In Maine, the towns are growing; especially Auburn, Lewiston and Augusta and they had a few more extensions on 95 so where we used to get off looked totally different and where I was to get off was also totally different.  However, off we go and BINGO, there was my hotel!  However, the problem was to find the entrance.  Lots of back doors and a restaurant (that had dynamite chicken and spinach soup – in fact I gave a tablespoon to Sam and for the rest of the trip he would look at me when I put down his food as if saying “not on your life”).  Finally found the entrance, my unit, unloaded the car while Sam cried in the bathroom, sat down and called who I needed to call and had a shot of Jim Beam in water.  I even had a gas fireplace for ambiance.  I was settled at about 9:00 p.m.?  Actually I can’t remember.

Because of my mental illness (just kidding relatives) I can’t abide thinking of  bed bugs but didn’t have to worry because I grabbed the blankie and pillow that I had carried and flopped over sideways and crashed after eating the best soup in the world.  Sam guarded me.  He could have told me there was a monster approaching and I would never have heard him.  10 hours on the road is way too much!  However, I did remember the wakeup call and at 7:00 a.m. got up, got ready to see a house at 10:00 a.m, and got very explicit instructions from my girlfriend on how to get there.  After getting lost three time because I was on the wrong side of the river and with 0 minutes to spare I finally found her.  My friend!  A hug!  I was in heaven!

Quick rush to the house because we were late.  A little ramshackle.  Teeny weeny but a yard with lots of potential.  Actually the bedroom was as big as my spare with a closet, the living room will fit my desk and computer with a closet and the kitchen was large but really needs an island because it only had two drawers.  Of course, I can’t cook anyway…  The Property Manager THOUGHT the washer and dryer worked.  Nice even having them at that price.  I was worried about the “partially” finished cellar but I think they meant that because it was so short.  I was the only one that could walk around without ducking and hitting the beams.  And it had a “Wizard of Oz” door to the outside if there was a hurricane.  It needs some work and I asked if I could have laminate instead of carpeting (as long as they were replacing it anyway).  I have lots of hardware to replace the kitchen knobs and I didn’t want to go anywhere else so I said I wanted it.

Now we get to the tricky part.  I said only one person and two dogs were going to live there but of course had to put my husband’s income down.  My Social security would cover it but I might want to eat also.  The trouble:  They do a background check.  Front and center is my recent incarceration in the psyche ward.  So we will see how much that ruined my life.  I told them I had no family but was actually able to come up with one reference.  Paul, of course has family but is anti-social so when I brought the application home, had a bit of a hard time to think of a reference.  I told them I wanted it the first of November.  Oh, it also has a garage almost on the next block!

My friend and I went to eat at a diner that she used to work at and I met two more friends and while sitting there listening to the TV  blaring, I noticed that they were talking about a storm coming from home to there.  So, kissed her goodbye, went back to the hotel, took a long nap, packed and was out of there by 8:00 p.m.  It rained across the Berkshires but the traffic was goo except for the truckers (who were all good except for the one who tried to kill me) and Sam and I were home at 6:00 this morning and I’m wondering where the storm is.

Back to bed and woken up with a call from the Wayne Behavior Health asking why I missed my appointment yesterday.  I’m ready to call an attorney.  I cannot live this way.  I feel so violated.  Paul filled out his application for the house and I’m about ready to take another nap.  I’ve gone through my email and just don’t feel like answering any of the Facebook messages because here we go with no feelings again.  They have to approve me for the house!  What if they don’t?  What if I am stuck in this situation for the rest of my life all because of someone else?  My whole life has been controlled by someone and even though it is scary being by myself I just want to try it once, please.

I didn’t take the Hoosier from you.  You are angry because Dad gave it to me because he had not place to put it.  Even if I asked for a camp – so what?  all my three sisters were given one.  You say I borrowed 20K and didn’t pay it back…you gave that to me because it would save you taxes and said my sisters would get the same.  I will not say anything about the prudential accounts that Dad set up for us.  I have said I don’t want your money. I want your love.

I get notes from my family that is is SO hurt about putting this stuff on my blog and that is why they are angry at me.  Wrong, because they were so angry at me all my life way before I put this stuff on the blog.  People don’t talk to me  that I used to play with and helped them when needed and thought of them as brothers.  It is true that there may be some that don’t want me to put things on here but come one guys – you did it!  You hurt someone.  It is time to pay the piper.

My main personality trait is that I do not, nor can I, abide liars and procrastinators and they stand there and call me one when all I need is an apology.  I have been a scapegoat all my life.  I’m done.  The end.  Just because they give a different face to outsiders does not mean that was the face given to the family.  So fess up.  I’m not sure if they just can’t face it themselves or if they don’t want others to know.  Others don’t have to know.  Just apologize to me.  You won.  I’m going again.  I cannot take anymore private notes telling me how I’m hurting everyone and calling me a liar.  I cannot take any more people pretending to be me and calling the Wayne Health Substance Abuse.  I’m leaving.  I’m gone.

So tell me about hurt.

Being in Control of One of the States of The United States

When I read through newspapers and see what horrible things that happen in the world by disturbed individuals I can understand why advocates wish to remove dangerous weapons from persons who are not trained to use them.  I can understand why people are categorized as to perhaps being dangerous.  However, I cannot understand why someone can be committed without having a trial and jury.  Especially when no harm has been done to themselves or others.  I cannot understand why by the words of others that they can be locked up for an unspecified time other than “up to 15 days and with the permission of two Doctors for more, if they deem necessary.

No one loves life, animals, compassionate people than I.  I am spiritual, intelligent,  strong and only want to be loved yet because I read the advertisement about if you are feeling out of sorts or depressed that you should call the 211 o r 800 “help” line I sunk myself into a hole..  Most people who do not really want help will not call and will go  their way and it seems that most people that do want help will call for help.

My husband and I have had numerous problems during our 42 years  of marriage, mostly involved with alcoholism and my coping with both him and my parents, who suffered from it.  We headed for the other side of the country with my daughter and were away for approximately 35 years.  About 8 years ago we moved back within 5 miles of 3 sisters and my mother so that both my husband and myself could have “family” again.  When I was away I was always jealous of my girlfriends seeing a relative or someone they had gone to school with at a store or public place and hugging and catching up with.

For the first two years things were wonderful here.  Trips with mom, bowling with two sisters, conferences with my older sister.  Then things began to change.  I’m not sure why.  Probably because I knew how it was to be dealt with as a real person and not to have someone control me or to be treated as a teenager.  Maybe they were jealous because I had gotten out of the small town attitude and could not accept the dysfunctions of the family.  I was the circle breaker and no one likes to know that someone else thinks they are doing wrong.  Perhaps because I had had many more experiences than they.

After the first two years things went drastically downhill.  Everyone thought that we had a lot of money, our house was large and although I was told to not take it personally, things were given to the other three and I was started to be ignored both physically and mentally with  Christmas alone (although my sister did ask us), no input in family decisions, and accusations of things that I certainly did not do against the family.  The distance seemed  to widen between the family, and my daughter, husband and I.  The silly thing was that this reminded me why I had run away to begin with!

However, stuck we were.  Economy led to us not being able to sell the house.  Now we have lowered it $20,000 from what we purchased it at.  We felt we needed this house and it was perfect because when we purchased it, the other houses we looked at were a mess, this was large enough to hold my antiques, I had horses and this had enough acreage for them.  It has a wonderful 1800’s barn and the house needed no work.  It is for sale now because we have no horses and we very much need to downsize and who needs to mow lawns the size of 11.5 acres.

Meanwhile, back to the alcoholism.  You may read about that episode in my last post.  I have now turned into a person who peeks out windows when sirens go by and have to answer the telephone each time it rings in case it is the Social Worker making sure I am here being safely guarded by my husband until I move to my sisters.  My therapist calls it posttraumatic stress.  And, my younger sister has decided she is not able to “care” for me since the State has declared me unsafe, my mother has decided that I am the alcoholic.  My youngest sister has not even the concern to call me except to tell me I owe money for missing bowling.  My oldest sister called to tell me she had a new dog and that I deserved all this.  My daughter, I am not talking about.

I have called my family doctor to beg him to call the state to tell them I am sane and he has said that there wasn’t much he could do but he would try.  I have visited my attorney to see if he could do anything but I guess it is a law.  All I can say is that if you just want to talk to someone DO NOT CALL 211!  Go to your mirror and have a conversation with yourself or find a friend.

This is the worst nightmare that I have ever been in, especially when my family believes what the State says over what I am saying.  Again, I have written off the family.  I’m not sure if it would be any use to go to Maine where all my friends and my favorite counselor are at.  She is my next call.

Just Answer One Question, Would You?

Hmmmmmm. It looks like I never hit the publish button on my last blog so it also looks like you will have to read a bit longer. It also looks like “Edit” is not working so please bear with the typos. It’s probably this dumb new computer. But, if you are like me, you like to read anyway. At the moment I am reading a 1950’s book called the Mohawk, which is about the Mohawk River. I read the preface and learned stuff about my state already. I’m also taking an online course called “Canine Thereogeneology”. I signed up for the course just to find out what that word meant and it was free. It lasts 6 weeks and it is HARD. I didn’t know that dogs had so many reproduction parts!
Karla is doing great. She looks happy and bounces around and every day she has to go up to Spider (my Rat Terrier) to see how close she can get to her. So far, about a foot, then Spider makes a terrible face and walks away. Usually Spider mothers the puppies but it has been about 2 years since getting the last pup and Spider is 11 and mostly wants to sleep in the warmest place. I don’t like her getting old. She is supposed to last as long as I do.
Karla has encouraged me to groom “Sam”. Poor Sam. I’ve set up the grooming room in the laundry room and just push the table away when I’m not using it. Sam was the first to use it and it’s been quite a while since I’ve used my full array of grooming tools. I usually groom them Spring and Fall. I also used to groom Sam to look like an Australian Terrier becaue he is a very large Yorkshire Terrier cross so he had to pretend he was an Aussie. Well, I shaved everything except the tail (he doesn’t have one). Why would someone dock a tail on a mixed breed?). There was an awful lot of hair coming off but that’s usual. I washed him, and used the huge dryer that I could use to play air tennis with teacup poodles, went over him again to get the pieces I missed and blew all the itchy dead hair away and wallah! Standing there before me was a MinPin! Now, I have nothing against MinPins but I really like terriers. Well, I thought, longer blades next time.
Today I did HarryIt. She mostly looks like a Jack Russell (a long one) but I like to make her look like a wire fox terrier. Got the clippers and took one swipe on the head and she was bald there! OMG I had been using a 15 blade on poor Sam. I wondered why when he strutted by the girls they snickered and said “15”. Nothing I could do with a bald spot but I quickly put a 10 blade on (the higher the number, the shorter the cut) did her head and finished with a 5. She looked much better. I’m not used to dogs with tails and this time it was a great improvement over the last time when I made it look like a noodle.
Tommorow is Spider. All she gets are her nails and a wash and dry with the huge force dryer to get all those awful short hairs out (like labs). I have to do it with her hanging on to my neck. She’s a rat terrier that is shaped like an Italian greyhound with an undershot Boston Terrier face. And, she had papers! She was so sick when I got her that the first month she spent under my tee shirt. How many times have I told myself “do not go into a pet shop”. “Do not look into their windows”. “Do not look at the newspaper dog advertisements”. Go to AKC.Com and look up the breeds that you are interested, find their clubs and get some references. Or, adopt one of the breeds that you like. The clubs usually have adoptees listed.
Enough lecture. Today I started with the AKC (speak of the devil) because I realized that I could have made Karla’s name longer. Her registered name is “DunhamLake (that was her breeder) AristaMagic (Kennel name of the sire and of course Magic for my kennel name of Aussie Magic) Cheers to You”. You get it – the TV show Cheers with Karla? You have to pay $10 for any more letters. Well, dumb me could have used Cheers 2 U! So, after about 2 hours of looking at the forms to change a name and to get permission (other than oral) to use someone’s kennel name you are one million dollars poorer and insane by the time you finished. That took care of my morning.
Afternoon: I decided to finally ship my two packages. I had a defective cell phone to return before they billed me $500.00 and a print to send. As for the cell phone (or any other package) I always use Priority Mail because I figure that the longer the Post Office has something the more likely it will break. I recycle and use old boxes that have other labels on them. So I stuck labels over all the other labels and realized that I didn’t know the address to send it to because I covered it up. When I pulled my sticker up, it took off all the writing. But, smart me – I just put it to the mirror to read it! I always use USPS because it’s always easier to just do it online and have them pick it up. Usually. Of course they had rearranged their site, which they usually do, but I flew through it, paypaled the money and wanted a scan form and to do a pick up form. I did the pick up form for tomorrow and the scan form came through saying that the mailing labels and postage would be attached. Hello? I just got the scan form.
I just got a new computer, which is a very nice computer but everything is different and an instruction manual didn’t come with it. What’s new. Ads had been popping up from windows, McAfee, HP, etc to upgrage, buy the newest, etc so when the yellow bar came up on the bottom saying download mailing labels I didn’t read it and it went away and I couldn’t get my labels. Just like the government or the AKC there was no tab for non-receipt of labels, no FAQ for non-receipt of labels. But, they had 24 hour customer service…which was a robot and there was no number to press to get that answer or a real person. So I made my own labels and when the post office person comes to pick them up she can figure it out.
Last thing. I belong to Netflix (both online and CD) and one of my most favorite things is to watch a movie and do my quilt. Of course, tonight’s movie was in Norway language (what do you call that?) so it had captions and I couldn’t sew (LOL)
I’m taking a poll now. Is it me and my “electrical force” that causes all these things or does everyone else have them. Not occasionally, but all the time. My Mom says it is because I dwell on the bad things and don’t notice the good things, which is partially true. But then she just told me I look old so I don’t believe her. I would like to see some comments on things that happen to you like this so I don’t feel so lonely. Karla was good. She was born first and I knew I had a puppy but I didn’t dare hope or her head would fall off or something.
Let me know,
Noodles