Support


SUPPORT:

To sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction:

“They supported him throughout his ordeal.”
THIS is what my father raised me to do.  Although he was an alcoholic, he was a happy alcoholic and he was pretty much careful to drink when we children were not around.  It was an “adult” thing.  I suppose like sex was an “adult” thing.
I have thought of the word “support” many times during my life and, sometimes unfortunately for me, I have given my support to the wrong people or the wrong organization or causes sometimes and have lived to regret it but always, always when I see something happening that I believe is wrong to an animal or person I will give my support to that animal or person.  I WILL NOT turn my back because I am afraid of offending someone or getting injured.
What does this make me?  When you look at the world today how much support do you see being given?  You hear pleas of support from poor people, from disabled people, from the elderly.
You also hear how hard it is to make friends.  I never believed that.  You hear that blood is thicker than water.  I unfortunately never believed that either.  You hear how churches are sanctuaries, how hospitals are to cure the ill, how policemen are to help keep the peace, how attorneys are to work for the person who is paying for them, how friends will be friends forever and even though they drift apart, when they see each other again there may be a bit of awkwardness but they will still be friends.
It is hard to make friends, which I suppose is why they become close to begin with.  Family blood is only thicker than water depending on the family.  Churches are sanctuaries unless you are only going along with their beliefs and they are not afraid that they will get in trouble.  Hospitals are to cure the ill depending on the people that work there and if they follow the rules that they have been given and if the people needing care are telling the truth.  Policemen keep the peace as long as they are following their regulations and Attorneys will work for the person who pays them the most or who they are best friends with.  Friends are rarely friends forever.  They “move on”, they have other things to do and they, of course, don’t want to get involved with their so called friends’ troubles because they would like a smooth life also.
Because I am what my father taught me to be I find it extremely painful to learn these lessons.  Each lesson hits me like a ton of rocks as he was my favorite person.
Each lesson probably hit him the same way and since I am so like my father (only he didn’t have a computer), he probably had to talk to others to help him feel better.  I remember the people that he told me not to “hang around with” and that he would talk bad about to other adults.  So, a family member that tells me that my father would be embarrassed did not know my father very well.
I am finally coming to grips with this thing that happened, although I will probably never get over it.  I think that the hardest thing is that I knew my family was dysfunctional but I always hoped.  I hoped that they would some day love me and that someday they would understand me.
The death of your entire family at one time is difficult.  Not only did they die but everyone that believes in them and is friends with them has also died for me because one outcast or black sheep is not going to be believed.
I can only again thank my few friends for keeping me going, for giving me hope (and I do include God as a friend), for helping me think of the good things and for reaffirming that I am not insane because there are many people who are going through the same thing as I.
Noodles?

4 thoughts on “Support

  1. You write with such clarity and understanding I hope and pray that you are taking your own words to heart. The depth of your wisdom amazes me……you are so far advanced in being able to understand people. You even are able to articulate the psychology needed to aply it to your present situation. Does that mean that you are now gaining strength and am well on the road to recovery? Moving ahead with renting an apartment in Maine is on top of your list to accomplish and it needs to happen ASAP. Divorce your family members or have a funeral for them at some point along your way toward complete healing. Part of your “safe” plan. I know you can do this.

  2. I agree with Darla! Perhaps if you put in writing (just for yourself of course) your divorce from your family, as in a release for yourself from them, then have a ceremony and destroy the document. Perhaps that will help you to move forward with your plans. If they don’t know how to love you by now then they themselves are the ones who truly lose. I am so glad that we have found each other again. As I’ve said you are one of the few happy childhood memories that I have. I love you.

  3. I don’t know what happened to you, but it sounds like you and I are going through similar things. When I lost my mother to breast cancer over 2 years ago, I also lost the remainder of my family. Years ago, my mother told me that my in-laws were stronger people than my siblings and she was concerned about their negative influence over my siblings. I won’t go into any details, but just want you to try to remember that you had no choice in your family members, but you get to choose your wonderful, awesome friends!

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