Every day I’m getting a little bit better.  I only cried for about an hour today and the rest of the day I was very angry.  Not an improvement in Grandmother Spider’s eyes but I think I feel better.  I’ve appreciated very much the comments that I have been getting from my imaginary friends:  Ken, Paul, Monica, Tia, Terhi, Pamela, Eva, Teresa Cleland, Patricia, Ed, Scott, Gloria, Diane, Darlyne Smith, Ylva, Katrina, Darla, Jackie and everyone else who I unpardonably didn’t mention because I was having a meltdown.  Now you are all famous for being on my blog, read by (I’m sure) millions and millions of people.

I also thank my dogs for keeping my mind off my troubles by looking so terrible and scruffy.

I went to the Office of Mental Health who welcomed me with open arms and stated that my recovery is a partnership between them and myself to ensure my optimum health and functioning and signed my paper (which I already knew) stating the risks of therapy include “important people in your life may not support my decision to be in therapy that he or she is crazy or weak.  Someone may stop associating with the person because they found out that he or she is in therapy”  (my note: whether they want to be or not)

Another risk: Some health insurance companies deny coverage for the treatment of preexisting conditions.

I have to sign up with them on the web.

As for disclosures: to Blue Cross/Blue Shield business partners who need access to the information to perform administrative or professional services on my behalf or

If I am a danger to myself or others or

I die and the communication is important to decide an issue concerning a deed of conveyance, will or other writing executed by me affecting an interest in property or

I have filed suit against anyone and have claimed mental/emotional damages as part of the suit.

I am not able to have a weapon.  Any kind, including mace, billy sticks or even tree branches.

Around me, people are to lock up lenghths of rope, razors, knives, lighters, etc, medications and pharmaceuticals, bleach poisons, antifreeze, etc.

People are to restrict access to motor vehicle usage, increase supervision, monitoring and active interaction, monitor warning signs such as giving away belongings, etc.

If I leave and my “safety” person (my alcoholic husband) is concerned, it is essential that he contact 911.

There is no end date on this document.  Nothing that states that I can have a doctor or therapist revoke it.  Since my attorney didn’t seem too concerned, I am going in to Rochester to see if there is a way to get out of it, fight it or do anything.

My main (pun there) idea is to quick find an apartment in Maine.  I’m wondering if there is a caveat on my driver’s license now.  Paul said he would lower the price on the house, sell it, buy me a house in Maine and then move up there.  Ummmmm, what is wrong with that picture?   My daughter is very upset with me.  My mother thinks I only wanted to get out to have a drink.  I could sue my sister for renting me half her house and then changing her mind after I was committed (which is discrimination).  My youngest sister is going to get two bowling balls put into a part of her body that she prefers not to think about (just kidding Mr. Policeman!) and my oldest sister does not approve but has a new dog.

Can you tell I’m not quite as numb as I was?

Thank you everyone.


12 thoughts on “Better

  1. I truly believe that the main reason you feel as you do is that you have always been surrounded by negative people who all have their own issues that have not been dealt with. You have never had a good support system. I’m not saying that there have never been people like myself or others who love and care about you because we are here. However that being said we are not physically there to give you the hug you need or the voice you need to hear and the person there to listen when you need it. There are these negative impacts on your life that tend to overpower the positives. These negatives are so wrapped up in themselves that perhaps they are jealous of you and how you are trying to move on while they are stuck in their places.

  2. Too bad you aren’t completely honest in your blogs. Maybe you’re afraid to be? I have listened to you for the last couple of years state how much you hate your husband and how much you wish he would have been killed in his DWI accident. It gets old after a while. He has financially supported you for the last 40 years. Why should he continue to do so if you leave him? If you want to leave him, then fine. Go. But live on your own two feet – not have him pay all of your bills so that you can go have a grand ol’ time using him even more.

    • Dearest youngest sister, I appreciate the fact that you take the time to read my blogs. Since I have always been completely honest in them (well sometimes I do embellish them for effect) I will post your response. I’m very sorry that you have had to listen to me for the last couple of years. No, I do not hate my husband (which was the start of this whole mess) but yes, I was very angry when he received the DWI as you were when your husband physically abused you, but thinking that you were part of my support group I may have mentioned that I was that angry and not have meant it. As you know, He has not financially supported me for the last 40 years. In fact, I remember twice when I was supporting him. If so, I would not be getting a social security check at the moment. As you must know the laws of this state, if I leave, this house is 1/2 mine just as your house is 1/2 yours. I don’t think you thought that I could respond to your comment or perhaps you would not have said what you have said to prove the family support that I am receiving at the moment.

    • Dear Youngest Sister: You should be ashamed of yourself. What a horrible attitude to take with your sister. Such a hateful response. You must think yourself pretty clever, perhaps you are perfect then? Such a sad thing really.

  3. I know this will probably sound strange but it’s therapeutic in a way to read your blog and the comments left by others. It has made me even more aware that I am not alone in my struggles with a disfunctional family. People being so quick to judge and place blame when they themselves have issues they have not resolved. My Dad was certainly guilty of that. You and I have so much in common. I have struggled to learn since leaving my ex that there are things you can’t control and you have to leave those things – or people – behind. They will drag you down. When a situation arises I ask myself what can I do about it. If there is no positive answer I move on. I won’t say I don’t shed some tears because I do. But I don’t let it control me. It’s a challenge to say the least. I try to surround myself with positive thoughts. I hate winter. It greatly depresses me. I require sunshine and light. So I will do a project around the house, go somewhere or read something to take my mind off it. You will be stronger when you have worked through this. Dad used to tell me I was a survivor which quite honestly ticked me off yet it’s true. I have survived much and become who I am today. You also have been through much and survived. Alcoholic family, abuse etc. You are a wonderful person. I believe in you.

  4. Family isn’t always blood my good friend just remember that. Just because you were raised with them does not make them good people. Family is about UNCONDITIONAL love and emotional support no matter what you do. You have that elsewhere. Might I suggest you lean on us rather than the ones who mean to beat you down even further if they can. You know that saying, misery loves company. You are better than that, I know this from experience. Cut your loses and pray for their simple mindedness. You are loved by many you don’t need those few. ❤

  5. I agree with Monica.Friends are our chosen family. Blood doesn’t dictate who our true family is. Don’t forget that even wolves sometimes leave their pack behind and survive. Your friends are here for you. We may not always agree with you but will always be there for you to lean on, hug you and love you.

  6. Since you don’t know my sister personally I can understand your believing all she says. Since I grew up with her in the same house, with the same family, I have every right, without shame, to call her on her lies. Who are these alcoholic parents that she speaks of? Why is she the only one with these awful memories while the rest of us seem to have fond memories of our childhood. My father would be so ashamed of the lies that she has told about our family just to make it look like she has reason to behave so badly toward her mother and sisters. And shame on you all for thinking we’re bad people without knowing all of the facts.

      • I am so sorry my dear readers that this whole thing about my family has shown how dysfunctional they are by their using our names and accusing me of making this blog “public”. Unfortunately WordPress waits until I remove posts rather than waiting until I approve them so I assume there will be more. Perhaps I have my settings wrong. I won’t respond to the comments about my father. He was my favorite person and he passed in 1991. My two younger sisters are 6 and 7 years younger. I was out of the house at 16 so they must have excellent memories. Yes, I am extremely paranoid of them. My high doses of medication are for familial tremor, depression, high cholesterol, and supplements and I am certainly not ashamed to name them and I feel that it is a breech of privacy for them to have said that I was on high doses of medication. As for drinking quite heavily, I don’t believe that the medical field considers one drink per evening heavy and certainly worse for your health than smoking cigarettes which hopefully you know is unhealthy. What I believe is wrong is your lack of support. I did NOT call the suicide center (as I told you). I called the HELP line because I was ending a 42 year old marriage, which, I believe, would depress most people that have feelings. At 2:00 a.m. I felt it would be kinder to call them than you. Based on your response to this blog, I think I was correct in calling anyone other than you. I blame myself for staying in this marriage as long as I have. Not you, not the family. I have made no slander but I do believe that there has now been some defamation of character. Especially since your comments were made public. My friends that have defended me probably know more about me than my family does and they probably know why now.
        If your’s is love, I’m sorry I don’t want it. You stated that I could stay with you. You did not say that you were deciding. We decided on the the date of November 1. I actually then told my husband I was leaving. You then stated that I could not stay with you. Ouch. I would suggest that perhaps you should both see therapists or go to alanon, as I have done so that your memories will become clearer and so that you can perhaps work on making your minds a bit clearer. I’m sure that if you spoke to your oldest sister that some things would open up. This, I hope, is the last correspondence with you on this public page.
        My reason for having a blog is to relieve myself, to have fun, to thank people and once in a while to give information. Now I may even stop this.

  7. Deb…as much as I know I am going to regret this (I know this in my heart) I feel I need to also reply. And just to get this straight– I am the “next to the youngest sister”. I’m also not sure if this reply will be shown in it’s total form because I know how much my sister can pick and choose (or delete) sections of her blog.

    I feel it is horrible that you are making things “public” that are all 1 sided with 1/2 truths thrown in to most of these issues. I also know how paranoid you can be and that what you believe in as truth in what you hear from us is misconstrued in your mind. You have been on high doses of medications for years and in truth you are also drinking quite heavily which you ALSO know is wrong. Obviously you only believe what you choose to believe–as we all do.

    You are bashing a family that no-one knows in the hopes that you will receive sympathy from your friends that don’t even know us. Understandable because you feel you have been wronged. Myself, your sisters, your daughter, husband, and mom have always supported you but you have never believed this due to your nature and your paranoia that you feel and believe.

    YOU made the phone call to the suicide center….you could have called me or anyone (including your husband and daughter) not realizing the consequences of your actions and the need for 911 to do their job by getting you help. That does NOT mean we aren’t supporting you. YOU prefer to put the blame of YOUR actions on us (family) instead of looking at yourself. Be careful Deb because this slander might end up biting you in the Ass. I hope I’m wrong because we only want the best for you but you keep pushing us farther away by your actions and comments.

    Our youngest sister has said nothing horrible or wrong in her comment regarding your blogs. She is hurt as we all are. Your friend Monica is also only hearing YOUR side of a family situation and she is doing wonderfully as your friend by backing you and supporting you as a good friend should. But still I take offense to her bashing our youngest sister over something that she REALLY knows nothing about. Supporting you is fine….bashing others is wrong. We ARE “good people” and we ARE “family” that do love you but are lost at how to help you.

    I’m sorry you feel wronged about you and me staying together but the truth is I hadn’t made up my mind and it wouldn’t have come about until the 1st of November anyway…There were still quite a few issues not settled about that decision because I needed more time to think and so did you.

    your second to the youngest sister

  8. Wow. The youngest sister said nothing “horrible or wrong”? Did you actually read the same comment I did, Second to Youngest Sister??? Even if every word is true, how can any of what she said possibly be helpful or encouraging to someone who is clearly having a difficult time? I don’t get it. The old adage “if you can’t say anything nice, then say nothing at all” seems appropriate. How about considering backing away, cooling off and allowing Deb the time and space she deserves to heal and move forward in life? Would you not want the same courtesy done for you? You are correct that we do not know all sides of the story, and we can’t pretend to. But I do know a hurtful, unnecessary comment when I see one.

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